As sociable people who rely on our connections we are primed to seek out our social groups and fit in.
This is particularly true of teenagers.
I have found myself saying to a family member when faced with comments I could only describe as bullying and toxic 'Why don't you stop looking and block them?'
What I realise now is that to cut the tie would be akin to going it alone losing the tribe and facing social death.
Teenagers more than any other age group feel the pressure to comply by joining a peer group and abiding by unwritten rules over how they behave, what they wear and how they look.
It explains the troops of adolescence that seem to have been cloned, religiously following the latest trends without question.
The sense of belonging brings them safety and is vital to their emotional survival.
At this time we are at our most vulnerable trying to work out who we are and what it all means. We are programmed to follow blindly and our individuality is consumed by fear of standing out or being isolated.
The programming that we experience early on in our childhood is often experienced as judgement and criticism.
In our early years before school our imagination is not only tolerated but encouraged and celebrated. We are a source of amusement when we delight at snowflakes and muddy puddles.
However as we grow older there are phrases that can become all too frequently heard both orally and written in school reports.
How many of us were told we were too much or not enough?
Well meaning teachers make remarks on our school reports
that we are:
Too quiet
Too noisy.
Too fidgety
Too distracted
Doesn't apply herself
Doesn't ask enough questions
Doesn't engage enough
So it goes on.
These statements are directly aimed at the identity of the youngsters who over time are left to believe that if they don't fit into the carefully prescribed box of success they are in some way inferior. Often this is a lose lose circle as the child struggles to gain approval and each time the mark is missed feel demotivated and lacking. In turn the teacher backs up the failing students opinion of themselves as they fail to fit that all important success box.
No wonder we can become so blinkered into believing there is only one way to be successful and continue to seek out that all encompassing and highly prized approval as a sense of acceptance has not been instilled in us. Too much and not enough are one and the same not acceptable.
And yet there is the opportunity to undo this old paradigm and it starts with being consciously aware that the logical rational side of us doesn't believe the perpetually undermining stories that play out.
With awareness comes choice. As always there is a positive intention to the old habit and it is usually continuing due to the whole belief system having been frozen in past trauma.
It is obvious when the old belief is sounded out loud that it does not fit with the adult present today and yet this old behaviour continues.
'By finding the courage to be ourselves we gain the power to make a difference'
Lindsay Stirling
But what does the young version of us require to be able to relinquish the hold this detrimental pattern has. Well, anything but criticism and judgement. What that shadow of us really yearns for is the very things we did not receive at the time - kindness, forgiveness, understanding and compassion.
To unlock the grip and power of these rigid and unhelpful decisions we have made about ourselves we need to accept and acknowledge the past and recognise we were doing our best. It is not easy to be in the world being authentic when we have been spoon fed we are anything but acceptable.
The mask we have built protects our vulnerable and deficient authentic self. We have been shamed into conformity that there is just one version of good enough and we hide the attributes that have not been celebrated.
Of course those who have criticised and judged are likely to be wearing their own masks and are under the same illusion of one template fits all.
When we take a closer look at those that played a part in moulding our persona we begin to see that it has not served them well either as they pursue what they believe is unobtainable with inadequate resources.
In our maturity it is much easier to question the decisions and beliefs we live by and take stock of what we as perfect imperfect humans really want? When we can dare to believe we deserve better and say to ourselves:
'I am the best version of me today and I am ready to explore and give space to expansion and curiosity' our perspective becomes open and the possibilities are infinite.
We can suspend the judgement and criticism placed on us when we fully understand the speaker expressed their internal world and it was never about us.
Once you arrive at a place of possibility it is time to work with shifting the energies of the unconscious mind and the credibility of others, comments and beliefs about you.
Are you ready to embody your sense of being enough and own and hone your sense of self?
