There are many assumptions made when we interact whether it is with a colleague, friend, partner or family member:
We unconsciously assume the other person:
- Has the same views
- Knows how we feel
- Understands our needs
- Knows our intention
- Has the same desired outcomes
- Is listening
When we start any communication with these assumptions in place it can be confusing when we receive a response that is in conflict with the message we intended. It can appear we are speaking different languages and that may be closer to the truth than we realise.
Human communication is complex and when we interact it is unlikely we will be at exactly the same point in our lives, hold the same beliefs or have the same needs therefore we are simply not on the same wavelength . Consider the following scenario:
Your manager wants to communicate about a project she would like you to organise. The manager believes you are ready in your career and she is giving you the opportunity to excel and take the next step towards promotion. She has picked you because she believes you would welcome the responsibility and have all the skills necessary. Your manager invites you into her office and says 'I have selected you to take up a new commitment in managing the team with a new project. It will mean being prepared to do some overtime on a regular basis and attending a training day next month. What do you think?'
You have in the past been happy to work overtime, but have recently experienced pressures at home. You have not felt completely committed at work and thought you were being called into the office because you have been distracted. You believe your manager is offering you the project because she wants to get you back on track and thinks you have been slacking. You take the offer as a criticism and feel guilty for having been unfocused. You feel overwhelmed by the prospect of overtime with your current pressures at home and wonder if your manager is pushing you to resign. You respond by saying in a less than enthusiastic tone 'How long have I got to think about it?'
Your manager is confused by your response as she is completely unaware of your home pressures and believes she may have made a mistake in offering the opportunity to you.
When you are experiencing any form of anxiety it is easy to translate people's communication into fictional stories based on how you feel and what you believe others think of you! You base your response on the perceptions you have of others views of you and your judgement of yourself. Opportunities can be missed and when you don't explain your thoughts and feelings those around you will not understand and fabricate their own stories to fill in the gaps of their understanding and come to their own conclusions.
This is just one example. Think of the many interactions you have experienced when you have have been confused by someone's reactions and responses. Clear communication requires both parties to understand the other's current emotional and mental position.
How can we ensure our communication reflects the message we intend?
1. The first step is to know exactly what you want to convey. This may sound obvious, but often when we get into a conversation we miss out crucial information that leaves room for misinterpretation.Set yourself an outcome for the interaction andIf it is an important conversation write down the key points you want to put across that will help you stay on track to reach that outcome.
2. Always enter any interaction with the intention of reaching a win win conclusion. When both parties have been heard and their needs considered it is far easier to come to a mutually agreeable conclusion.
3. It is important to gain some rapport with the person you are going to communicate with. There may be occasions when you do not usually get on with the person involved, but it is necessary for you to communicate with them. You do not need to like the person to gain rapport.
4. One way of gaining rapport is to pay full attention to what the other person is saying and gaining an understanding of their position. You do not have to condone or judge others' opinions and perceptions just accept it is their map of the world. By gaining rapport you are far more likely to have a successful interaction and get what you require.
5. Request that you both listen without interruption while the other person speaks unless asked to interject.Listening is a very useful skill to develop. Many of us think we are listening when we are really just thinking about what we want to say next. When you truly listen and clear your mind with the intention of receiving the full message from the other person you can gain far better insight. Be aware of how you are feeling about the other person's communication and suspend any compulsion to put the other person right based on your opinion. Accept their point of view.
6. Communicate any background information that the other person may not be aware of that is relevant to the conversation. We often miss out important details that help the other person make sense of our position.
7. When there is an important message you want to communicate pick a time that you can sit down with this person and talk face to face. Make sure you make good eye contact.
8. During the conversation check in with the person that they are understanding what you are communicating by asking questions like 'Do you understand what I mean?' 'Are you with me so far?' 'Please tell me what you understand from what I have said' Making these simple checks will stop any miscommunications early on by giving you the chance to clear up any misunderstandings.
9. If the interaction is with someone you know well reflect on what you know about their style of communication. Maybe they speak slowly and take time to reflect. They might be fast speaking and direct or use their words carefully and deliberately. Do your best to adopt their preferred style of communication, but avoid mimicking.
10. Everyone has their own hidden hot buttons. If their emotional state suddenly changes it maybe a hot button has been pressed. Check that they are happy to continue and encourage them to express how they are feeling. It maybe a good time to take a break and come back to the conversation when you have both had time to reflect and regroup. Remember you are not responsible for others' hot buttons, but you are responsible for your communication. Do your best to deliver your communication in a kind and considerate way.
11. Notice the type of language the other person uses. We all have a preferred way of taking in information to make sense of the world around us.
Some people are more visual and therefore use language that reflects their preference:
'I see what you mean' or 'I get the picture'
Some are more auditory and process most information through what they hear and use phrases such as:
'I hear what you are saying' or 'It is as clear as a bell'
Others are predominantly kinaesthetic and make sense of the world through their feelings and use language such as:
'I feel a sense of' or 'I have a gut instinct'
When you are aware of these preferences you can make a real difference by matching their preferred method of understanding. They will be more inclined to think you are on the same wavelength deepening your rapport.
12. Keep your language clean by taking out any judgemental language i.e. 'You let me down' 'You made me angry' 'You are lazy' Keep to the facts about any situation and use 'I feel' statements.
13. Body language is an unconscious way that we communicate with each other. Becoming aware of those we interact with and their body language will assist in your quest to be heard and understood. Take time to observe people in public places and how they mirror each others body language. It is like an unconscious dance that communicates a level of rapport. By mirroring the body language of those we communicate with we are far more likely to gain even deeper levels of rapport and understanding.
14. To gain a bridge with the person you are communicating with put yourself in the other person's shoes. What angle are they coming from? What might be their positive intention? It may not be your point of view, but it helps if you understand where they are coming from.
15. Once you have awareness and understanding of the other person's view point, communicate that understanding at the beginning of any important communication. This will have the effect of getting them on side and they will believe you get them and respect their view. You are far more likely to be listened to when you express understanding of others.
16. Be willing to give the other person's view some consideration even if it is completely opposed to your own views. Consider their views with curiosity and interest. Being open to others' opinions allows you to grow and develop. You do not have to take on their perceptions as your truths, but just by exploring a different way of thinking helps to expand your knowledge of others. This exploration improves your skills of understanding and interacting with people with wide ranging views. Remember in most cases there is only opinion none of which are right or wrong!
What most of us really want in any interaction is to be heard and understood regardless of the outcome. Utilising the steps above assist in developing a process for more successful communication.
Learning to interpret and speak the same language develops when we take time to understand, explore and accept those around us!
